Day 28 - Beautiful Things

 "Beautiful Things" by Gungor



Have you ever been in a place in your life when you had no idea what lies ahead of you and all you can do is put your trust in the Lord?

About two weeks ago, I was in that place.  The place of uncertainty, anxiety, confusion, and doubt.  I was planning my graduation from the University of Cincinnati's graduate school of Social Work.  I was reaching that point when finally all these years of education have finally come to an end.  And I was asking myself "now what?"  I have been in school since I was five years of age.  I have had a few part time jobs here and there.  I have also had my practicum placements for social work.  Yet I have never had a full job before.  I had a moment when I realized all this hard work, all the long hours studying, writing, reading, and learning has finally come to an end.  And now I must put all this knowledge to use for the common good. Ekk.. that's huge!

So I started where any college grad would start:  I searched for jobs; anything and everything that met my qualifications.  I became completely discouraged.  I went on two job interviews and didn't get either of the positions. Not that I completely passionate about getting those jobs anyway.  I really wanted to be a school social worker and there were no positions available.

And then all it came down to was God.  I completely handed my future over to Him.  I said to God, "I don't know what lies ahead of me, but God my future is Yours.  I trust You more than I trust myself with my future, because You know what's best for me."  God simply replied giving me a peaceful heart and a reminder to remain patient because He would do things in His own time.

About a week later, I ran into a school social worker at the school I worked.  We had barely spoken to each other before this point in time.  We discussed my graduation and job prospects.  Before I knew it she was recruiting me for a school social worker position at a nearby charter school.  She had this job lined up for herself and it didn't work out.  She highly recommended me to the principal putting her reputation on the line, told me that she would train me over the summer, and said she would be my mentor during the school year.  Most of all she told me she was a Christian!  I immediately told her I was praying for a job and this one just fell into place.  "It was an opportunity of opportunities," I told her, "It was a miracle I came across this position and you are my angel."

Right before I went on the interview for the position, I was nervous.  I arrived to the interview early and sat in my car for a few minutes praying asking God for courage, strength, and light.  During my prayer, "Beautiful Things" by Gungor came on the radio.  It was the first time I had heard the song.  And I kept hearing "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us" repeating through my speakers.  A flood of emotions swept over me.  I was at a moment with God when my family's history of abuse and depression flashed before my eyes.  Then I flashed to the person I have become because of God.  I was sitting in a car with my resume listing all of my accomplishments: Master's Degree, School Social Worker License, Social Work License, Bachelor's Degree Summa Cum Laude.  All of these beautiful things God had blessed me with prepared me for that moment in time to interview for a school social worker position to change, inspire, and impact the lives of hundreds of children.  God had truly made beautiful things out of the dust of me.  I got out of that car confident in who I am because of the Lord.

Day 27 - God's Dream for Me

Do you ever have those moments when you feel like God is trying to send you a sign or a message telling you something? Sometimes it appears in symbols that have meaning to you.  Often I'll say a prayer and then find it answered by a song.  And I'll feel it in my soul and in my heart that God is talking to me.

To me, this song "Family Tree" by Matthew West, is God's voice answering my prayers.  I have been struggling with my past, especially the past of my family.  I've been trying to understand what that means for me.  I ask God:
"Will I be depressed like my mother was?"
"Will I be abusive like my father was? and my father's father was?"
"Will my marriage end in divorce like my parents did?"

And with urgency,  love, and devotion to me, God replies, "NO! This is not your legacy. This is not what you're meant you be.  I can break the chains that bind you."

God has given me a vision of the beautiful woman he has created me to be, not defined by my family tree.  I am a daughter of God and a part of  God's legacy of love.  He has a dream for me that is better than where I've been.  I'm going to find real love and change the course of generations!

I am only defined by my family tree if I let my family tree define me.  I need to rewrite my story to be God's story for my life and what he has dreamed for me.

Day 24 - Your Story

Hey everyone... I know it's been a while since I posted and I have much to share with you but little time.  I started graduate school and I've been really busy.  I'll be back on in about a week to share some more amazing stories of what I have seen God doing in my life.  :) I love you all!

I wanted to share this song with you I heard on the KLove radio station the other day.  The artist Matthew West was on the talk about his up coming album that is coming out that is written based on stories of people like you and me submitted to him.  These are stories of people's struggles, pain, obstacles, and tribulations in relation to God.  I cannot wait for it to come out.  Please take a listen to this song, it gives hope to women that have been abused and sexually molested.  It's not the full version, but the live version because it is not out yet.

Matthew West - Story of a Broken Girl

God bless you all!

Day 21 - A Melody

I am a sucker for a mellow song.  My friends have known this about me since high school.  There is something about the natural rhythm of strings playing on a hollow carved out piece of wood.  It's so natural and smooth.  And with the accompaniment of a soft voice and the right words can just make everything right.

Do you have that song that just puts everything into perspective?  You could be driving in your car thinking about the traffic, what you're going to have for dinner when you get home, or all the numerous things you still have to get done before more things pile up.  But then that song comes on the radio and just for a moment you're entwined with the melody and everything is at peace.  Because all that matters at that moment in your life is you.  The other things will happen when they happen.  But when you're all alone in your car, it's just you and the melody, so take it in. Hmm..

Today, I found God's love in a melody.  It reminded me to slow down and take some time to breath in the wonders and joys of my blessed life.  Take a moment for yourself, my friends, and listen to that song :)

P.S. A new goal of mine: learn to play the acoustic guitar.  Jack Johnson makes it looks so peaceful :)

Day 15 - Metanoia - Change of Heart

Hello readers! Once again I apologize for not posting in a while, but thank you for reading :)  God has put many many things on my heart this past week.  I went on a retreat this weekend called Metanoia, which means "change of heart."  I went on this retreat with my college, which is a Catholic institution.  I wish people weren't so separated by denominations, because this retreat honestly is for everyone.  I wish I had more information on how you can get involved in going on a retreat.  The only thing I can suggest is talking to someone at your church or if you don't belong to a church, someone at a church somewhere.

I don't even know where to begin with this retreat.  There are somethings that I would like to keep a secret in case you decide to go on Metanoia so that you can have an amazing experience without any anticipations.

I guess I will begin with "this kind of love."  Some of you may be hearing this song and thinking about a significant other.  But when I hear this song I think of the kind of love God has for me.  I have realized that I have been trying to do things on my own and pretend that I have it all figured out.  I want people to know that I'm a Christian, so for some strange, twisted reason I think that means I need to put on a happy face and let everyone believe that I have it all figured out.  Well, doing that has pulled me further and further away from God.  How can I call myself a Christian, and think that I have it all figured out?  I would be nothing without God.  On this retreat, I really examined my heart and the truth of who I am within.  It's not an easy experience.  You know that feeling you get when you get really nervous because you know something amazing is about to happen?  Maybe it's the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you're reaching the top of a roller coaster.  The leaders of this retreat humbled themselves, wore their hearts on their sleeves, and shared their stories with the entire group of people.  Because these brave leaders were able to be as vulnerable and true to themselves, it allowed me to really examine what my heart was saying without feeling like I had to live up to some expectation of what people want me to be.  It was when others are completely vulnerable and open their hearts, I was able to open mine.  It is such a beautiful experience.  Once I opened my heart, I was able to let so much love fill me up.  When I say love, I mean the love of God.  This kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall.  It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.  I can conquer anything.  I can love everyone.  I can see the love that God has for everyone.  That unconditional love that God has for people.

Yesterday was Easter and the holidays don't always go smoothly for my family.  I'm sure many of you can agree with me on that one.  Like every holiday, my mom was becoming anxious about me and my sister spending time with her and loving her.  She was telling me how she feels unloved.  Suddenly I became defensive.  I told my mom, "don't you see that I'm hear with you know.  I made plans for us to go to church and go to brunch."  I became angry that my mom does not appreciate me.  Then she became angry, because she thought that I was not listening to what she had to say.  Then it only took a second, a quick little second, for me to stop and just send a small prayer up to God.  Nothing profound, nothing special.  Just a moment with God.  And I knew how much God loved my mom and he wanted her to know.  So I looked my mom in the eyes and asked her to look back at me and I said "Mom, I love you."  then she began to smile and it felt like such a relief.  That's all my mom needed to hear.  There was no need to argue, because all she needed to know is that she is loved. 

It made me think why do I hesitate so much to open my heart and just love?  It's a chance we all have to take.  To be vulnerable and to love others.  I think the only way that I am able to love others is because of the love that I know God has for me.  If I open my heart to others, make myself vulnerable,  I know I am taking the chance of getting hurt.  But I also know that God will always love me. No. Matter. What.

Day 12 - Something Beautiful

Something Beautiful by Need to Breath 

 In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful (fade out)

I just heard this song on KLove and there some just something about this song that spoke to me at this moment in my life.  I'm still going through this rough patch with God, and I feel like the man in this song asking if God is going to let me drown or if he is going to keep me safe.  I especially like this part of the song:  "And the water is risin' quick; And for years I was scared of it; We can't be sure when it will subside; So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side." Honestly, I feel like exactly how this man is drawing a picture for us.  I feel like my feet are stuck in the sand and the water is starting to rise quickly (my fears of the future and my safety and anything that Satan has put in my way to drown me).  I am so scared of the water and if I will drown or when it will subside.  So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side!  So I hold closer and tighter to God, who is my rock and my shelter in this storm!  So I get down on my knees and I pray for something beautiful to touch me!  And honestly it wasn't until I reached out to God and asked for his protection in this situation I felt more peaceful and safe.  I know that God is going to protect me. And that is something beautiful!

Day 8 - The Homes that are Broken

This will be my first official post from my experience seeking God at my social work internship.  I work with 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th graders that face many challenges and life difficulties.  Many of these children have home lives that are unstable and unsupportive.  It is amazing to witness what the lack of love can do to a child.  Many of these children may act out in class to get the attention that they are so desperate for.  Many of these children let their grades slip, because no one at home really cares if they fail.  Many of these children are addicted to drugs and alcohol, because maybe for the time being it fulfills a void that is missing in their lives.  Day by day I meet individually and in groups with these children.  I hear their stories and it makes my heart break.  I hope that maybe my presence in these children's lives can make a difference. Maybe I'll be that one person in their life that gives them the positive attention they need.  Maybe I'll be that one person in their life that talks to them about their grades. Maybe I'll be that one person that can help them learn to love themselves. 

Everyday on my way to work I feel a little anxious about how I am going to serve these children, or if I have the strength to listen to another heartbreaking story.  I have a conversation with God to give me the strength to be there for these kids.  My radio station is always set on KLove and I feel like God has answered my prayers so many times through this radio station.  This song came on today on my way to work called "Follow you" by Leeland.  As I was listening to this song, I imagined my car following God leading me to the poor and the needy, so that I can meet the needs of the broken homes.  Take a listen.

 

Follow You by Leeland
You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
(X2)

I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.

And I give all myself.
Yes, I give all myself.
And I give all myself... to you.

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.
(X2)

Day 7 - "Love is like the wind. I cannot see it, but I can feel it"

That quote is from one of my favorite movies, A Walk to Remember.  As I'm doing this love quest, I am realizing that most of what I'm searching for cannot be seen, only felt.  The best I can do is explain how I feel, and the rest is up to you to believe.  Those of you that believe in God and have seen His presence in your lives will be able to understand and follow my every word.

I tried to share what I'm doing with some skeptical people the other day.  They seemed curious about my blog, but didn't really have faith in me or believe in me, maybe because they don't believe in God.  When they asked me about my blog, I felt like they were mocking me.  That was one of the reasons why I didn't want to do this blog out of fear of skepticism.  Yet, I know I shouldn't let the negative feedback hold me back from sharing such wonderful experiences of love with the world.  Despite all the set backs from others around me, God could be doing great things with this blog.

Since I feel like I'm being judged, I'm having a hard time seeing God recently even though I know he is there. The best that I can do is share this song with you. I heard this song on KLove the other day and I really enjoyed it.  It's called "Love never fails" by Brandon Heath. It is a song about 1 Corinthians 13 one of my favorite passages from the bible.

 

This song is so beautiful.  It makes me feel so relaxed and at ease because it reminds me of the love that God has for me that is not hiding from me.  In this quest, most of the time I am searching for love out in the world, when ultimately that love that I am searching for is inside of me, where it has always been and always will be.  As much as I try to point it out to people to prove to them that- that - right there- that's love, I can't. Because love is like the wind. I cannot see it, but I can feel it. 


1 Corinthians 13 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathon all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers.   

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where these is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became man, I put childish ways behind me.  Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully know. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.