Day 28 - Beautiful Things

 "Beautiful Things" by Gungor



Have you ever been in a place in your life when you had no idea what lies ahead of you and all you can do is put your trust in the Lord?

About two weeks ago, I was in that place.  The place of uncertainty, anxiety, confusion, and doubt.  I was planning my graduation from the University of Cincinnati's graduate school of Social Work.  I was reaching that point when finally all these years of education have finally come to an end.  And I was asking myself "now what?"  I have been in school since I was five years of age.  I have had a few part time jobs here and there.  I have also had my practicum placements for social work.  Yet I have never had a full job before.  I had a moment when I realized all this hard work, all the long hours studying, writing, reading, and learning has finally come to an end.  And now I must put all this knowledge to use for the common good. Ekk.. that's huge!

So I started where any college grad would start:  I searched for jobs; anything and everything that met my qualifications.  I became completely discouraged.  I went on two job interviews and didn't get either of the positions. Not that I completely passionate about getting those jobs anyway.  I really wanted to be a school social worker and there were no positions available.

And then all it came down to was God.  I completely handed my future over to Him.  I said to God, "I don't know what lies ahead of me, but God my future is Yours.  I trust You more than I trust myself with my future, because You know what's best for me."  God simply replied giving me a peaceful heart and a reminder to remain patient because He would do things in His own time.

About a week later, I ran into a school social worker at the school I worked.  We had barely spoken to each other before this point in time.  We discussed my graduation and job prospects.  Before I knew it she was recruiting me for a school social worker position at a nearby charter school.  She had this job lined up for herself and it didn't work out.  She highly recommended me to the principal putting her reputation on the line, told me that she would train me over the summer, and said she would be my mentor during the school year.  Most of all she told me she was a Christian!  I immediately told her I was praying for a job and this one just fell into place.  "It was an opportunity of opportunities," I told her, "It was a miracle I came across this position and you are my angel."

Right before I went on the interview for the position, I was nervous.  I arrived to the interview early and sat in my car for a few minutes praying asking God for courage, strength, and light.  During my prayer, "Beautiful Things" by Gungor came on the radio.  It was the first time I had heard the song.  And I kept hearing "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us" repeating through my speakers.  A flood of emotions swept over me.  I was at a moment with God when my family's history of abuse and depression flashed before my eyes.  Then I flashed to the person I have become because of God.  I was sitting in a car with my resume listing all of my accomplishments: Master's Degree, School Social Worker License, Social Work License, Bachelor's Degree Summa Cum Laude.  All of these beautiful things God had blessed me with prepared me for that moment in time to interview for a school social worker position to change, inspire, and impact the lives of hundreds of children.  God had truly made beautiful things out of the dust of me.  I got out of that car confident in who I am because of the Lord.

Day 16 - Prayer can Change Everything

A Volunteers Prayer - Lois Clark Suddath

O God,

Today I will be with those who are suffering

and frightened, and possibly alone.

Some will have no one to talk to today,

Lord, but me, may my arms be strong

to give someone a hug,

my hands comforting and warm

to hold another's hand,

and through my eyes and smile

may someone know that I care.

But, most of all Lord, give my heart

the compassion and understanding

that will calm another's fears,

dry a tear and give strength to face what

lies ahead.

I am only one person, Lord,

but you and I know that one person

can and will make a difference in another's life.

And if I do that for someone today,

when my head lies upon my 

pillow tonight, and my eyes close

I will be at peace.

Amen and Amen.

I can't believe how much I have tried to do things on my own the past few years.  I believed that in order to do my social work internship I had to have everything figured out.  I didn't want to mess up.  I wanted to be perfect.  Taking a closer look at my heart, I have realized that I have nothing figured out and I never will.  I have been trying to rely on God for direction in my day to day life recently.  Since I said that little prayer to God on Easter about my mom,  I realized that I should turn to God more often in the middle of the day whenever I need him.  It doesn't matter if I'm in my car, in a restaurant, having a conversation with someone, at work; God can be reached anywhere I am.  It doesn't have to be anything special.  I don't have to get on my knees.  I don't have to fold my hands.  I don't even have to close my eyes.  I just have to open my heart and realize God's presence with me.

Just the other day when I was on my way to my social work internship, I was driving in my car listening to the radio as always singing along with the Christian music on the radio station.  Then it occurred to me that even though I was listening to Christian music, I wasn't singing the songs in my heart to God.  I decided to turn off the radio and start to pray for my day.  I asked God to live through me for the kids at the school that I do my internship for.  Then I found myself praying for God to look over each of my clients one by one.  I don't know how I didn't attempt to do this before.  God knows these children and he knows their situations well.  He loves these children and cares deeply for them.  One by one I said their names and their situations for God to take into his arms.  I asked God to look out for them in ways that I as a human being could never do for them.  It was then that I felt so relieved to know that God was doing the work and not me.  That day at work I had the best day ever!  I was living in the moment.  I was listening (sincerely listening) to these children to let them know that I care.  I honestly don't know why I thought that I had to have it all figured out before.  I came into the social work field because God called me to do it.  So why did I think that I had to do it all on my own?  Why did I not turn to God earlier?

Have any of you felt that way before?  Have you ever felt that you need to have it all figured out?  But to your surprise you realize you can't do it on your own and you need to rely on God?

Day 15 - Metanoia - Change of Heart

Hello readers! Once again I apologize for not posting in a while, but thank you for reading :)  God has put many many things on my heart this past week.  I went on a retreat this weekend called Metanoia, which means "change of heart."  I went on this retreat with my college, which is a Catholic institution.  I wish people weren't so separated by denominations, because this retreat honestly is for everyone.  I wish I had more information on how you can get involved in going on a retreat.  The only thing I can suggest is talking to someone at your church or if you don't belong to a church, someone at a church somewhere.

I don't even know where to begin with this retreat.  There are somethings that I would like to keep a secret in case you decide to go on Metanoia so that you can have an amazing experience without any anticipations.

I guess I will begin with "this kind of love."  Some of you may be hearing this song and thinking about a significant other.  But when I hear this song I think of the kind of love God has for me.  I have realized that I have been trying to do things on my own and pretend that I have it all figured out.  I want people to know that I'm a Christian, so for some strange, twisted reason I think that means I need to put on a happy face and let everyone believe that I have it all figured out.  Well, doing that has pulled me further and further away from God.  How can I call myself a Christian, and think that I have it all figured out?  I would be nothing without God.  On this retreat, I really examined my heart and the truth of who I am within.  It's not an easy experience.  You know that feeling you get when you get really nervous because you know something amazing is about to happen?  Maybe it's the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you're reaching the top of a roller coaster.  The leaders of this retreat humbled themselves, wore their hearts on their sleeves, and shared their stories with the entire group of people.  Because these brave leaders were able to be as vulnerable and true to themselves, it allowed me to really examine what my heart was saying without feeling like I had to live up to some expectation of what people want me to be.  It was when others are completely vulnerable and open their hearts, I was able to open mine.  It is such a beautiful experience.  Once I opened my heart, I was able to let so much love fill me up.  When I say love, I mean the love of God.  This kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall.  It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.  I can conquer anything.  I can love everyone.  I can see the love that God has for everyone.  That unconditional love that God has for people.

Yesterday was Easter and the holidays don't always go smoothly for my family.  I'm sure many of you can agree with me on that one.  Like every holiday, my mom was becoming anxious about me and my sister spending time with her and loving her.  She was telling me how she feels unloved.  Suddenly I became defensive.  I told my mom, "don't you see that I'm hear with you know.  I made plans for us to go to church and go to brunch."  I became angry that my mom does not appreciate me.  Then she became angry, because she thought that I was not listening to what she had to say.  Then it only took a second, a quick little second, for me to stop and just send a small prayer up to God.  Nothing profound, nothing special.  Just a moment with God.  And I knew how much God loved my mom and he wanted her to know.  So I looked my mom in the eyes and asked her to look back at me and I said "Mom, I love you."  then she began to smile and it felt like such a relief.  That's all my mom needed to hear.  There was no need to argue, because all she needed to know is that she is loved. 

It made me think why do I hesitate so much to open my heart and just love?  It's a chance we all have to take.  To be vulnerable and to love others.  I think the only way that I am able to love others is because of the love that I know God has for me.  If I open my heart to others, make myself vulnerable,  I know I am taking the chance of getting hurt.  But I also know that God will always love me. No. Matter. What.

Day 14 - Peace of Mind

Prayer for Peace of Mind

O Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in

You, hoping for all things from Your

goodness.  You make a root flourish

beneath the soil; You can make fruitful the

darkness in which I find myself today. I 

adore You in all Your purposes even

without knowing them; Your will be done,

not mine.  May I be patient!  It is so 

difficult to realize these trials,

heartbreaking as they are, can be turned

into blessings.  Lord, give me peace of

mind, peace of heart, and peace of soul, as I 

offer You my thoughts, my words, my 

actions, and yes, Lord my sufferings.  May

they all be for Your greater glory. Amen.

I found this prayer in my sister's closet today.  As I read through it, I realized that this is just the prayer that I need to send up to God right now.  Going through trials and darkness are the hardest times to realize that so much more goodness can come from suffering!  I wouldn't believe this unless I have experienced it myself.  It's because of my trials and sufferings that I was able to find life and peace.  It is so beautiful.

Because of all the darkness I am experiencing right now,  my mom is looking to move out of our home.  Just yesterday my family went driving around new neighborhoods that my mom might be moving to.  It was such a blessing finding some beautiful homes that we can move to.  I am very excited to get out of this old home that is in a neighborhood full of crime. 

Now you might be asking me, "why do you want to be a social worker if you can't handle the crime?"  Well, I have an answer for you.  There is a difference when the crime is in your own home and violates you personally.  I understand that I will be working with criminals as a social worker at some point in my career, and I have honestly already worked with juvenile delinquents.  By working with them outside of my home in an institution that is structured around serving them, I feel that I am safe and able keep my boundaries.  You don't see police men comfortable with criminals coming into their homes.  Yet, police men work with criminals everyday.  Therefore, social workers can work with criminals and not bring them into their own homes either.  I'm sure if you've had a job you can understand this.  Maybe you work at a McDonald's.  You're fine serving people hamburgers and fries.  But maybe once you've worked there you don't want to bring that home.  Maybe you'll never eat another hamburger from McDonald's again.  Or maybe you work in an office.  You wouldn't want to bring all of your paperwork home from the office.  You want your home to be your safe haven and the place you can escape from your job so that you can rejuvenate for the next day of work.

Okay so now that I went on a tangent on working with criminals as a social worker, let's get back to what I was talking about before "Peace of Mind."  I pray that God gives me a peace of mind about my life and this situation and I trust that God is looking out for me, trying to find me a safe haven to live.  I pray in anticipation for the blessings that await me at the end of this storm.

Day 12 - Something Beautiful

Something Beautiful by Need to Breath 

 In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful (fade out)

I just heard this song on KLove and there some just something about this song that spoke to me at this moment in my life.  I'm still going through this rough patch with God, and I feel like the man in this song asking if God is going to let me drown or if he is going to keep me safe.  I especially like this part of the song:  "And the water is risin' quick; And for years I was scared of it; We can't be sure when it will subside; So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side." Honestly, I feel like exactly how this man is drawing a picture for us.  I feel like my feet are stuck in the sand and the water is starting to rise quickly (my fears of the future and my safety and anything that Satan has put in my way to drown me).  I am so scared of the water and if I will drown or when it will subside.  So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side!  So I hold closer and tighter to God, who is my rock and my shelter in this storm!  So I get down on my knees and I pray for something beautiful to touch me!  And honestly it wasn't until I reached out to God and asked for his protection in this situation I felt more peaceful and safe.  I know that God is going to protect me. And that is something beautiful!

Day 11 - Searching for the Light in the Darkness

I'd like to make an apology to all my readers.  I am sorry that I have not posted in a while.  I have really been struggling with a recent event lately and have not had the courage or time to get myself to post.  I really don't feel comfortable sharing the event with the whole world, but I feel that this must be a part of my journey. 

I'm sure many of you can somehow relate to what I am going through, if not the exact same story.  I feel like at some point in all of our lives we must go through some darkness.  Whether you believe it is spurred upon us by the will of God or by chance or Karma, we all go through it.  And right now I am going through one of those times.  I don't feel safe and the one thing that I have always felt like I could rely on (God) does not make me feel safe.  I feel like my life is out of control and anything could happen to me at any moment, because there is evil in this world.  It's a horrible feeling.  I have tried to pray to get some clarity in this situation.  I would like to believe that God could perform a miracle for me to take away all the evil that surrounds me. But if God were to perform a miracle, why would he choose me? I'd rather he perform a much more meaningful miracle to change the whole world for good.

I hope you don't mind me asking you to say a little pray for me.

As I draw nearer to Jesus' fiery love, I also draw the evil of Satan's attacks. Jesus, protect me from such great evil. Let not Satan or his fiends approach me. Keep me under Your harmonious auspice, for I am Your follower of righteousness!

Once again I apologize for the darkness of this post.  But I think this event that has happened in my life is a great reminder that I need to seek God most of all when I'm going through the darkness. 

Day 1 - Taking my own Advice

Today was the official first day of the quest and I've learned that it is hard for me to train my heart to be aware of what God is doing around me every moment. As I reflect on my day now, a few things come to mind.

A friend of mine in one of my college courses told me about her grandmother that went to the hospital on Tuesday night. She told me that her grandma had pneumonia and on top of that a virus. She seemed really concerned and told me that she was worried because she knew someone that recently died from pneumonia. I tried to comfort her by letting her known I'd keep her grandma in my prayers. That evening I said a little prayer asking God to look over my friend and her grandma. Two days later I saw my friend in class and asked my friend how her grandmother was doing. With excitement my friend told me that her grandma was doing really well and was planning on coming home that day. I thought that this was an answer to my prayer.

Another moment I had I was driving in the car with my mom on our way to dinner with our family. My mom was complaining about her colleagues that disrespect her. Having come from a history of men disrespecting her in her life, she has become a very strong independent woman. And any time that anyone tries to disrespect her she won't stand down.

As I was talking to my mom about her situation, I thought of how this situation relates to the skills that I teach 12 and 13 year olds at the school I am working at for my field placement. At this school, I manage part of the Peacebuilders Program that is used in the school to prevent bullying. The main skills it focuses on are praising others, righting wrongs, giving up put-downs, helping others, noticing hurts, and seeking wise people. As a social work intern at the local school, I give presentations in the classroom on each of these social skills for pre-teen children.

Back to my mom's situation, I realized that even adults still need to learn social skills in their environments too. I gave my mom some advice about giving up put-downs by trying to ignore the negative statements that others say to her. I told her a tool that she can use is keeping a list of all of her positive attributes to remind herself of her strengths in order to ignore the negative statements that are being thrown at her. This way she won't be concerned about what other people may think of her, because she knows that she has all these other strengths.

Then we had an in-depth discussion about self-statements that she may be saying to herself when she does something wrong. I explained to her that maybe when she does something wrong she is so used to hearing her ex-husbands and her father telling her she is no good and worthless. Now on her own, she is telling herself that she is no good and worthless when she does something wrong. I suggested that she could change her self-statements to "I put forth good effort." After I suggested this to her, my mom completely agreed with me that she is doing that to herself. She then complimented me and told me that I am really good at counseling people and not even her counselor with a Master's degree suggested anything of the sort that would help her in this way. After she said this, tears started to fill my eyes as I realized that even though I make mistakes as a social worker at my field placement sometimes, I myself do have skills and strengths to be social worker. Possibly I should be listening to my own advice about self-statements at my work place. I think this is one of the ways God is reminding me that he has blessed me with the strengths to counsel His people when they are in need and remind them of the goodness that they have within them. Thank-you God for your blessings!