Day 15 - Metanoia - Change of Heart

Hello readers! Once again I apologize for not posting in a while, but thank you for reading :)  God has put many many things on my heart this past week.  I went on a retreat this weekend called Metanoia, which means "change of heart."  I went on this retreat with my college, which is a Catholic institution.  I wish people weren't so separated by denominations, because this retreat honestly is for everyone.  I wish I had more information on how you can get involved in going on a retreat.  The only thing I can suggest is talking to someone at your church or if you don't belong to a church, someone at a church somewhere.

I don't even know where to begin with this retreat.  There are somethings that I would like to keep a secret in case you decide to go on Metanoia so that you can have an amazing experience without any anticipations.

I guess I will begin with "this kind of love."  Some of you may be hearing this song and thinking about a significant other.  But when I hear this song I think of the kind of love God has for me.  I have realized that I have been trying to do things on my own and pretend that I have it all figured out.  I want people to know that I'm a Christian, so for some strange, twisted reason I think that means I need to put on a happy face and let everyone believe that I have it all figured out.  Well, doing that has pulled me further and further away from God.  How can I call myself a Christian, and think that I have it all figured out?  I would be nothing without God.  On this retreat, I really examined my heart and the truth of who I am within.  It's not an easy experience.  You know that feeling you get when you get really nervous because you know something amazing is about to happen?  Maybe it's the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you're reaching the top of a roller coaster.  The leaders of this retreat humbled themselves, wore their hearts on their sleeves, and shared their stories with the entire group of people.  Because these brave leaders were able to be as vulnerable and true to themselves, it allowed me to really examine what my heart was saying without feeling like I had to live up to some expectation of what people want me to be.  It was when others are completely vulnerable and open their hearts, I was able to open mine.  It is such a beautiful experience.  Once I opened my heart, I was able to let so much love fill me up.  When I say love, I mean the love of God.  This kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall.  It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.  I can conquer anything.  I can love everyone.  I can see the love that God has for everyone.  That unconditional love that God has for people.

Yesterday was Easter and the holidays don't always go smoothly for my family.  I'm sure many of you can agree with me on that one.  Like every holiday, my mom was becoming anxious about me and my sister spending time with her and loving her.  She was telling me how she feels unloved.  Suddenly I became defensive.  I told my mom, "don't you see that I'm hear with you know.  I made plans for us to go to church and go to brunch."  I became angry that my mom does not appreciate me.  Then she became angry, because she thought that I was not listening to what she had to say.  Then it only took a second, a quick little second, for me to stop and just send a small prayer up to God.  Nothing profound, nothing special.  Just a moment with God.  And I knew how much God loved my mom and he wanted her to know.  So I looked my mom in the eyes and asked her to look back at me and I said "Mom, I love you."  then she began to smile and it felt like such a relief.  That's all my mom needed to hear.  There was no need to argue, because all she needed to know is that she is loved. 

It made me think why do I hesitate so much to open my heart and just love?  It's a chance we all have to take.  To be vulnerable and to love others.  I think the only way that I am able to love others is because of the love that I know God has for me.  If I open my heart to others, make myself vulnerable,  I know I am taking the chance of getting hurt.  But I also know that God will always love me. No. Matter. What.